By David Steinberg, PhD, LCSW · Updated January 2023

1 min read · Couples counseling

Emotional clarity is a key aspect of healthy relationships, and has numerous benefits. Here are five key benefits of emotional clarity:

1. Improved Communication: Emotional clarity helps partners better understand each other’s feelings, which leads to better and more effective communication. This in turn can lead to reduced misunderstandings and conflicts.
2. Increased Intimacy: When partners have emotional clarity, they are more likely to be open and honest with each other, which can lead to increased intimacy and trust. This helps to build a stronger emotional connection and deepen the relationship.
3. Better Problem-Solving: When partners have a clear understanding of each other’s emotions, they can work together to solve problems in a more effective and efficient manner. This can help to avoid unnecessary conflicts and help both partners feel heard and understood.
4. Enhanced Emotional Regulation: Emotional clarity can help individuals better regulate their emotions, reducing the likelihood of impulsive and reactive behavior. This in turn helps to create a more stable and predictable emotional environment in the relationship.
5. Improved Self-Awareness: By gaining emotional clarity, individuals can become more self-aware, and better understand their own emotional triggers, patterns and tendencies. This can help to reduce conflicts and improve relationships by promoting better self-management and empathy.

In conclusion, emotional clarity is a key factor in building strong and healthy relationships. By promoting better communication, intimacy, problem-solving, emotional regulation, and self-awareness, it can help partners grow together and deepen their connection. If you are interested in learning how to clarify your emotional field for healthier connection please feel free to ask for help now.

David Steinberg, PhD, LCSW
Psychotherapist in Philadelphia since 1996. Couples, marriage, and individual therapy.

By David Steinberg, PhD, LCSW

3 min read · Relationship counseling

We all make mistakes in relationships. The problem begins when we keep repeating them over and over again. Here are a few big ones to learn how to avoid so you can find success in love and life.

Mistake #1: The need to always be right and never look bad.

Nothing will push your mate away more than your need to look good and be right. I spoke to an elderly gentleman whom was married for 50 years. I asked him how he managed to stay happily married for so many years, and he said “I realized early on that being right never led to me being closer to my wife”.

Rather than going on the defensive when your mate is upset with you, summon all of your strength and mirror her feelings. If she’s angry, acknowledge her anger. If she’s hurt, just mirror her emotional experience. The story of the situation is always secondary to the emotional wound that needs healing.

Mistake #2: Criticizing your mate in an attempt to get him to change and meet your emotional needs is a good way to send him running for the door.

Men will do just about anything to avoid feeling shame. Instead of criticizing him for his poor behavior, take emotional stock and be clear on what you are feeling. Is it hurt? Are you ashamed, anxious or insecure? Use an “I” statement, such as “ I am feeling hurt because you didn’t return my text today”. If he gets defensive, take a stand for him to see you and feel into you. “Jim, this is not about you, this is about me. I don’t need you to take responsibility for my feelings, but I do need you to acknowledge and validate them”.

Mistake #3: Arguing your partner out of their hurt, anxiety, or anger in an attempt to make them feel better.

In many relationships, partners try to take away each other’s difficult feelings in an attempt to be each others’ caretaker. While you may think you are taking care of your mate, what you are really doing is giving them the message that their feelings are unacceptable or wrong. Nobody should ever have to defend a feeling. Feelings are not logical. Instead of trying to fix the hurt, or defend yourself, just allow your mate to have their feelings. Be curious. If you don’t understand, ask him or her to explain it to you until you are able to validate and finally empathize with them. This is what will create a sense of safety, openness and trust.

The key to a healthy relationship with your partner is to first have a healthy relationship with yourself.

You cannot be in a healthy intimate relationship with your partner unless you know what you are feeling. Emotional clarity lies at the heart of healthy relationship. You cannot offer your mate a bridge to your heart unless you are fully in relationship with and accepting of yourself. Dr. Steinberg is offering his Emotional Clarity: Heal Your Relationship program for the first time as a distance learning experience. In this program Dr. Steinberg will work with you personally to clarify and heal your emotional experience to help you set the stage for the kind of relationship you deserve.

David Steinberg, PhD, LCSW
Psychotherapist in Philadelphia since 1996.

By David Steinberg, PhD, LCSW

1 min read · Relationship counseling

When driving there’s an area next and behind you in your rearview mirror that you cannot see. It is dangerous, as you run the risk of turning into a car in your blindspot. Sometimes we fall into a similar danger in the way we repeat patterns in our relationships. A relational blindspot is a way of being in relationships that is governed by very old patterns from early relationships. If you find yourself continuing to repeat the same dynamics in relationship after relationship, and failing to maintain a loving connection, then you have relational blindspots. While the danger may not be of a physical nature, the result is often a feeling of alienation and disconnection, not only from others, but also from yourself. The nature of your earliest relationships will color the way you see the world and the way you experience others and yourself.

The child of a narcissistic parent lacks a certain self-awareness because he spent much of his childhood reading the parents’ moods and opinions and tailoring himself in the image of the other, the omnipotent parent. In this case, the task in therapy is to help individuals carve out their identity as separate and competent individuals. In order for this to happen, much of the negative internalizations from early relationships need to be explored and understood before they can be transcended.

David Steinberg, PhD, LCSW
Psychotherapist in Philadelphia since 1996.

By David Steinberg, PhD, LCSW

1 min read · Relationship counseling

I’ve always thought that one of the most terrifying things about being in relationship is the power that our mate has over our ability to change. A couple is a living dynamic system that should allow both members to evolve. Relationships, need to constantly adapt and change or they become flat. This can kill creativity and it often leads to the end, as by nature human beings are not static.

When your partner refuses to see the current you, you can end up feeling trapped, hurt, and deeply misunderstood. If they continually see you as the person you used to be, their old version of you makes it incredibly difficult for you to evolve into your highest potential.

This is where knowing yourself and living with conscious intention is so important. Taking a stand for the best version of you means that sometimes you need to push back and take a stand for whom you want to be, even when you feel resigned by the other seeing only the old you because they haven’t healed from their hurt just yet.

David Steinberg, PhD, LCSW
Psychotherapist in Philadelphia since 1996.

By David Steinberg, PhD, LCSW

1 min read · Infidelity

One of the most damaging emotions in a relationship is rage, especially when it is combined with shame. I think this is responsible for the downfall of most failed marriages and relationships.

Why? Well, when your partner does something that triggers you to feel hurt, and you react with anger and shaming him/her, all you end up accomplishing is pushing them away, and feeling even more alone and hurt. I do think that the rage and shaming position is a form of self-love, but a misguided one at best, and often a very destructive one at that.

The inability to sit with our hurt, and the shame we often connect with our hurt typically stems from having early caretakers whom couldn’t be present for our vulnerability because they were never taught to make their own hurt matter. Until you separate the shame from your hurt, and take a stand for your partner to see and feel this part of you without blame, you will always feel alone and unseen in your marriage.

The reality is that there is no course in school about how to be emotionally intimate, and very few of us had perfect examples in our caretakers growing up. In my approach to couples counseling, I teach a couple to become clear in their emotional fields, and to love all parts of themselves. This clarity can then lead to a quality of relationship never before experienced.

David Steinberg, PhD, LCSW
Psychotherapist in Philadelphia since 1996.

By David Steinberg, PhD, LCSW

2 min read · Infidelity

A couple came into my office for an introductory session. Their story was not new or unusual. They have a 19 month old baby girl, and ever since the baby was born the dynamics in their relationship changed.

Financial difficulties (the husband has been in-between jobs) combined with her focus on the baby and earning a living has left him feeling like the odd one out. They would talk about being intimate, but he would back away because since the baby has been born he hasn’t felt love or wanted by his wife. Things became desperate for him, and he made a drunken mistake and had a one-night stand with a woman while out of town.

She is enraged and hyper-critical of him, and he is deeply ashamed of what he did. The sacred trust between a husband and a wife has been broken, and a marriage involving a small child hangs in the balance. He wants to work it out, and she is a few heartbeats away from walking out for good..This is a couple/family in crisis. As a couples therapist, I seem my role to first help a dyad decide if they want to move forward together. Many times a couple will come to counseling because one of them has already made the decision to leave the relationship. Other times it’s not so clear. There is a lot of hurt, and pain in the above described couple, much of it being expressed as rage in the current moment. The first thing I feel obliged to say to a couple in crisis due to fidelity is to not make any decisions in the heat of the moment. When you are freshly hurt and in turmoil is not the time to decide to end the marriage. Give it at least two months and eight sessions of work before you call it quits. Then, at the very least, you can say that you tried to make it work.

Infidelity is a crisis in a marriage. While this sort of crisis brings a lot of hurt and anxiety, it is also an opportunity for growth and change. In a crisis, the rug has been pulled out from beneath you, and your sense of grounding and security disappears. How you land and the way you adapt to infidelity will determine your future. This is a perfect opportunity to work with a skilled therapist to help you make sense of your feelings and the situation, to grow and heal from what has happened. Many therapists believe that you cannot grow without anxiety, without some form of external change that challenges the status quo. The important thing is that you take advantage of your situation and move to get the help you need to start on your healing journey.

David Steinberg, PhD, LCSW
Psychotherapist in Philadelphia since 1996.

By David Steinberg, PhD, LCSW

2 min read · Relationship counseling

Being in your truth is key to attracting and keeping love, but it means nothing if you are incapable of seeing the other. If you can combine keeping it real, listening and reflecting with a good dose of empathy you then have a recipe for true love.

Step #1: Be in right relationship with yourself.

The key to someone else being in relationship with you starts with you being in right relationship with yourself. You can’t share your inner emotional world with your partner unless you know and can appropriately share your feelings. When you become clear in your emotional field, you create bridges for others to cross and the potential to be seen and truly felt.

Step #2: Make it your mission to know what he/she is feeling.

Make it your mission to tune in to your partner’s emotional world. Even if they are criticizing you, don’t make it about you. Instead of defending yourself, try to get beneath the anger or rage and find out what is fueling the anger. I’ll give you a hint. It’s usually hurt or fear. These two feelings are much harder to own than rage or righteousness.

Step #3: Mirror, mirror on the wall, let her know you see and feel her and you will have a ball!

Even if you think he/she is nuts, be a mirror. What does this mean? It means reflecting the feelings back as best you can. If you don’t understand, then be curious and ask questions until you can validate the feelings and give your partner the gift of empathy. The path to more intimacy involves letting go of the need to look good or be right, and focusing on the core feeling beneath the rage and shame that you might typically receive first when you have disappointed your lover. This is your opportunity to let go of being perfect and become a healer for your mate. It will open a whole new way of being in relationship.

David Steinberg, PhD, LCSW
Psychotherapist in Philadelphia since 1996.

By David Steinberg, PhD, LCSW

4 min read · Marriage counseling

Tip-1: In order for a relationship to succeed, you have to see the good in your partner, especially when you are fighting.

Life is always going to bring us difficult situations and hard times. Research shows that the relationships that succeed are the ones that have more positive exchanges than negative ones. When the feeling is good, say something positive. You like the way she looks in that dress? Let her know. He did the dishes? Let him know that you feel taken care of and are grateful. What you chose to focus on is the reality you will create. I say chose the good. It just feels better doesn’t it?

Tip-2: Avoid criticizing your mate at all costs. Shame only causes us to contract and pull away. That’s not what you really want is it?

If you find yourself criticizing your partner in an attempt to get them to behave differently you will only push them away. In my opinion, criticism is an adult way of crying over unmet needs from childhood. Instead of shaming your mate for disappointing you, look at what core wound of yours is being triggered by his/her behavior. What is the feeling that is being triggered in you by your partner’s actions? Is it anxiety? Are you hurt? Your emotions are a bridge. Invite him/her to see you and honor your feelings. Shame will only cause disconnect.

Tip-3: Have a good relationship with yourself first!

Do you really know what you are feeling when things get difficult, or do you go straight to anger and criticizing your mate? Do you truly love all parts of you, or do you push your more vulnerable or “weak” feelings down and away? You cannot be intimate with your partner if you don’t know what you are feeling when you are feeling it. Without this self-knowledge, there is no bridge to cross, and you will be left feeling alone and unseen even when you are married and share the same bed and table.

TIP-4: Keep it real!

Yes, you want to put your best foot forward, but eventually you have to trust that the one with the big ole wart on it will be loved just as much as the pretty one! If you start out needing to and being perfect you have only one way to go…down. Men, I’m not saying you should be passing gas like an Exxon station on your first date [leave that for later], but we all have our struggles. If you keep it real it’s more likely she will be able to identify with you as a member of the human race.

Tip -5 : Mirror mirror on the wall, who is their lover’s healer after all?

We all need to be seen and heard. This is at the core of our earliest wounds. When your partner is upset, instead of trying to make them feel better, or taking responsibility for their feelings, or defending your goodness and honor at all costs [usually at the cost of the relationship], mirror his/her feelings back, show your love that you are taking them in and that you can tolerate and even love their difficult emotions. This is the hardest piece for so many of us. We have to put our baggage away for a while and be a witness for our loved one’s reality.

Tip -6: Let your mate know that they make sense to you…unless they don’t. In a healthy relationship you must be curious and ask questions.

What we are talking about here is the second step from seeing your mate and hearing them. Validate their feelings. Let them know that you get them. If they aren’t making any sense, instead of telling your partner he/she is nuts, ask your mate to tell you more. Be curious until they do make sense to you.

Tip-7: Try on his/her shoes [Not literally you goof-nut!]

The worse thing you can do to a child is to not give that child the experience that you are feeling what the child is feeling when they are feeling it. It’s not just seeing them that is important here. Your partner needs to experience that you truly feel them, that you feel and accept their pain. A little empathy can go a long way in making your mate feel good in the relationship.

Bonus Tip: Forgive. If you are unable to let go and forgive your partner, there will be no room for the good stuff.

Educate yourself about relationships. The more you act with knowledge, the more you are likely to succeed in life. Take the time to learn about what it means to be a good partner. For more information, log on to davidsteinberg.com to learn about webinars and trainings to help you be the best lover you can be.

David Steinberg, PhD, LCSW
Psychotherapist in Philadelphia since 1996.

By David Steinberg, PhD, LCSW

2 min read · Marriage counseling

I was dismayed to read an article in the Huffington Post today titled “Marriage counseling Made my Marriage Worse” . The writer, an anonymous woman with the pen-name of ‘Deja-vow’ wrote about her less than positive experience in marriage counseling.

She describes how her couples therapist allowed the experience to be “a knockdown, fist-flailing hate fest”. It sounds like a complete nightmare and I cannot blame her for wanting to trash marriage counseling as an option for couples struggling to get it right.

Without knowing the marriage counselor involved in her treatment, I can say without hesitation that there was a failure to provide a truly safe and respectful environment for a couple to make sense of their mess. As a couples therapist, I won’t tolerate hostility of any kind in my office, and I set firm limits with aggression and respectfully demand that both parties refrain from attacks.

Criticizing or shaming your mate is an adult way of crying over unmet needs from childhood. What a couple in crisis needs is a different experience from what they are able to create on their own. A good marriage counselor balances the need to solve problems while also helping a couple to create new positive experiences of each other through an environment of respect and increasing emotional clarity and understanding.

A good couples counselor works on healing old wounds while helping both individuals to know themselves better. Sometimes, this newly found clarity leads to separation and divorce, as individuals realize that their partner isn’t the right one for them. Sometimes couples counseling brings people closer through deeper understanding and renewed respect.

To say that marriage counseling didn’t help you because you and your spouse ended up getting divorced implies that the goal of couples counseling should be only to keep a couple together. As a marriage counselor my goal is to help both parties become clear in their emotions, and more aware of what core wounds they are bringing to the dynamic. Sometimes a couple isn’t meant to be together. At the very least, a good couples counselor will help both individuals to understand their unconscious role in the dynamic, and what core wounds they are attempting to heal so that they don’t find themselves in the same situation some years later with another person.

A sign of a healthy relationship is when both partners can learn to act as each other’s healers. This sort of emotional evolution cannot happen from just doing things differently, or just not focusing on what is wrong. There is an educational piece to this work that makes the difference between a successful treatment and a failure. If your couples therapist is not integrating any psycho-educational component into the process, then it is likely that the treatment will fail.

David Steinberg, PhD, LCSW
Psychotherapist in Philadelphia since 1996.

By David Steinberg, PhD, LCSW

2 min read · Relationship counseling

You cannot be in relationship with someone else if you are not in correct relationship with yourself. Without emotional clarity, there is no bridge to cross, and you will find yourself feeling lonely even if you spend all day with your partner. The solution is knowing and accepting yourself first, with all of your warts and of course the beauty too.

In marriage counseling and couples counseling I find that most people coming through my office don’t know what they are feeling. Rage, or anger is the easiest emotion to experience, but it is never the primary feeling. Anger is always a secondary affect to hurt, shame or anxiety. Before a couple can be intimate with each other, they first need to learn how to be intimate with themselves. You can’t share your feelings with your significant other if you don’t even know what you are feeling. Couples counseling from this therapist’s perspective is about learning how to be in right relationship with yourself first, so that you can then invite the other into your emotional world.

When you lack clarity around your emotional experience, hurt or anxiety typically get fused with anger. Instead of expressing the primary and more vulnerable emotion, couples turn to anger and rage. Anger is the ultimate separator. When one comes at another from a place of anger, what they are doing is unconsciously and often unwittingly seeking to push the other away. When you are hurt, you seek separation in an attempt to protect yourself. Unfortunately, pushing the other away is usually the last thing we want to do in a relationship.

One of the unique aspects of being human is that we have the capacity to think about thinking, to be conscious about consciousness. No other species has the capacity. Our philosophies and art are created out of this unique aspect of being human. This quality can also help us to begin to separate from our emotional worlds in order to see which parts of us are triggered in any given situation. By developing this perspective, we can begin to have an inner dialogue with parts of us that are typically younger, and in many cases, running the show in our relationships.

David Steinberg, PhD, LCSW
Psychotherapist in Philadelphia since 1996.

By David Steinberg, PhD, LCSW · March 2020

2 min read · Wellbeing

The Covid-19 crisis has changed our lives, and caused an immense amount of stress on all of us. These are scary times. As my work has shifted to doing online video conferencing sessions, it has been a challenging adjustment. I’ve noticed a pattern with my clients, where everybody is regressing to more emotionally reactive states. This is what stress does to us. It causes us to regress to lower states of functioning. If you find yourself fighting more with your partner or children, this is likely a direct result of the stress you are under.

Anyone with mental illness is at more risk right now. If you are bipolar disordered or prone to psychosis, make sure you take your medication. If you have a loved one with bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, watch over them and make sure they are sleeping and taking their medication in a timely manner. These individuals are very vulnerable right now.

How can we deal better with stress? In general, I recommend eating healthy food, exercising regularly, and getting at least 8 hours of sleep a night. All of the above actions are crucial also for keeping your immune system functioning at a high level. This is especially important in the unfortunate event that you become infected with COVID-19. Your body needs all of its resources to fight off illness. This is where living a balanced life is crucial.

In addition to healthy eating, exercise and good sleep habits, I recommend mindfulness based meditation. For many of us, this crisis has led to more extreme levels of activity as we find ourselves constantly doing something as a way to mitigate our anxiety. Stop the activity, and allow yourself the experience of just being. If you want to learn more about meditation, I can teach you, or you can find apps for your phone or tablet.

Yours in health and wellness.

David

David Steinberg, PhD, LCSW
Psychotherapist in Philadelphia since 1996.

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